Venison – its dear isn’t it.

A woman walks into a pub and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

I had two fish, I called them one and two… one died but I still had two.

Did you hear about the magicians who turned a tractor into a field?

A scientist who successfully inserted human DNA into a goat has been banned from his local petting zoo.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? – Jimmy Carr

Do you know why the scarecrow got a medal?  He was outstanding in his field.

Someone sneaked a spoon into work today, it caused quite a stir.

I was in a pub last night.Went to get a pint and instead of the usual nuts in a dish there was a steaming turd on a tray.  It was a bar stool.

There are only 10 types of people in the world.  Those that understand binary and those who don’t.

I’ve got a fear of two-letter words. I get scared just thinking about it.

Whenever I’m bored, I like to think about people with their hands in their pockets falling over.

I’ve just gone into the bedroom and someone’s stolen my bed.  Honestly. I’m not lying.

Have you ever wondered how stupid a balloon seller feels in the high street when he’s down to his last balloon?

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

A charity pantomime to raise awareness for schizophrenics and homophobia went into chaos last night when someone shouted “he’s behind you!”

I threw out my hoover last week. It was just gathering dust.

A wood worm goes into a pub and asks “Is the bar tender here…?”

I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music, at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

I believe in honesty with my kids. When they say “Dad, what will I be when I grow up?” I tell them “disappointed”.

You know how you meet the right person, you know instantly? Why does it take a year and a half when it’s the wrong one?

‎My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.